Dealing with the Scars of Past Sin

When I was a teen, I was caught up in the "When God Writes Your Love Story," and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" craze that swept through evangelical teenage female lives and graced many pink bedroom shelves. I believed would *never* fall prey to sexual sin - I would never even kiss a man before I married him. I was too strong. "True love waits," I thought, and I was sure I would wait. After all, I had The Truth. I knew what the Bible said. I was good at obedience. And yet, all of my strength, all of my reading, all of my preparation, all of the teaching I had received wasn't enough. Almost ten years ago, I met the man who would be my undoing. He flirted, cajoled, and flattered me until I gave in. When we broke up seven months later, I was used and broken, a virgin only in a technical sense.

The Lord blessed me with a period of blissful healing. I served Him faithfully. I felt that I had been forgiven much, and I loved much. I knew firsthand the Grace of God. I marveled at how quickly and completely I had healed from my sins and from an abusive relationship. But that is never the end. The guilt came back. Over and over and over again. Tonight, I read this blog post, and I was drawn by this  paragraph:

"Its true you will never restore your first purity. But I fear we may be giving this sin too much power. It is a sin. It is not an unforgivable sin.  When we accept it, truth is that the blood of lamb covers it, restores it, heals it and redeems it. That means we get a second chance. We get a new life. We get spiritual purification."

Why would I write this? Because it's raw. Because Christians have to be real with each other. Because church is not a place where we go when we're perfect. Because Christ came to carry our sin. Because I'm relatively good at looking like I have it all together, and I don't. Because there are girls out there who are falling even though they were sure they never would. Because there are girls who are hurting because of their hidden sin. Because Jesus said, "Freely you have received, freely give" and I have received much forgiveness. Because if you are broken right now because of sexual sin, I want to help - I've walked that road. Because if you are contemplating sexual sin, I want to help - I've walked that road too. Don't look around your churches and see pews of people who would "never do" what you have done or are contemplating. There is someone there who has done what you have done. Probably lots of someones.

There is healing. Jesus loves you and wants to heal you. Your sin is not unforgivable. Your sin can be covered by the Blood.

A Fresh Beginning

Well, this is it. The beginning of a new year. This day marks a new beginning. The beginning of resolutions, of a fresh start, of a blank slate. This is the year in which I leave my twenties behind, in which I begin my final year of graduate school, in which I (hopefully) publish my first original research paper, and in which a number of unforeseen things will happen that will shape the trajectory of the rest of my life. What things are you looking forward to this year?

2014 was a challenging year. I attended three research conferences, taught a variety of biology and physiology lectures, took my qualifying exam, sang in four concerts, taught bible classes, experienced family upheaval, cried, laughed, made friends, grew friendships, watched my best friend experience the joy of motherhood for the first time, traveled to visit my grandparents twice, attempted to watch my brother get married, but was thwarted by Traffic that held me at a standstill for two hours, and so many other things. I started 2014 with a list of goals for the year. There were twelve books to read, and twelve other goals, including fitness, academic, and financial goals. I’m looking back at my list now – and I think I accomplished four of my twelve main goals. That’s ok. I’m setting new goals this year.

New years make us think of new beginnings, and that’s a good thing. A brand new year, with no mistakes in it – yet. Here’s the thing. We’re all going to blow at least some of the resolutions we make. I spent a number of years just not making resolutions, because then I wouldn’t disappoint myself by breaking them. That didn’t work very well either. You know what’s amazing? Every single day, every single hour, every single minute, every single second is a fresh beginning. So, set your goals this year. If you achieve them perfectly without cheating on that diet, or sleeping in when you were supposed to get on the treadmill, or missing a day in your daily bible reading plan, good for you. The rest of us will need to remind ourselves that fresh beginnings come more often than once a year. That’s one of the things I love about the God I serve – He doesn’t ask me to be perfect on my own. He knows that I can’t be – and that’s why He sent His Son. Jesus makes up the difference when I don’t hit perfection. So, when I sin this year, or when I fail to say just the right thing or choose just the right path, I’m going to admit that. I’m going to tell Him that I’m sorry, that I want to change, and then I’m going to set about letting Him change me. I’m going to set about trying all over again, and about accepting the power of His grace in my life, about telling Him “Thank You” for each fresh start. Because knowing that His grace will make me good motivates me more and more to find goodness and to emulate it in my life.

So, today, with this fresh start, I have goals for my relationship with my God, for my role in His church, for my physical fitness, for my finances, and for my professional life. I want very much to be a better Christian, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better person. I have goals to be more patient, more kind, more gentle, more loving, more direct, less fearful, more one with Him who made me. I want to publish three papers, begin writing a thesis, read my bible through at least once, teach children’s bible classes at least two quarters, work up to running a 10K or maybe even a half marathon, pay off some small debts, eat more healthy foods, and read a variety of books from a variety of genres. I want to blog at least three times a week. I want to try at least three new recipes every month. I want to find more joy in small things. I could keep going, but I’m overwhelming myself. I’ve always been a big dreamer – and I find that dreaming big brings me closer to meeting goals than not dreaming at all.

What are your dreams for the New Year? What resolutions are you setting for yourself?

In the next few weeks, I hope to blog about teaching children’s bible classes, as well as about some practical ways to make those changes in relationships and attitudes. Stay tune, and God bless!

Tribute to My Mama - A Stream of Consciousness-Style Entry

Phew. Have you ever had one of those days when you get a glimmer of what your mother went through on a daily basis when you were growing up, and you think, “How did she DO that every day??” I had one of those days today. My mother and four of my younger siblings (I’ll get to how many of us there are total in a bit) are staying with me this week while they attend a three-day bible study in a small town just south of Indianapolis. This morning, I saw them out the door at nine, and my day started in full force. I started the enormous pork loin marinating for our New Year’s Eve dinner this evening. Really – it was huge. I should have taken a picture. After that, I showered, washed up what felt like a million dishes, swept the floors, and ran a couple of loads of laundry (I only own five bath towels, so I’m doing laundry every day while my family is here). My roommate arrived home for a couple of hours during that time, and helped me move the table back to the middle of the dining room so that my family could eat dinner around a table tonight. I helped her load up her jeep for a trip with her family, and then returned to the apartment to grab my purse and run to the grocery to pick up the few things I forgot during my original NYE preparation shopping trip. Upon returning, sundry cooking and cleaning chores were completed, including the peeling and chopping of something like 20 potatoes (I lost count). Right now, I’m sitting down with coffee and my computer to grab 30 minutes of writing time before my family returns for dinner.

While my day was hurrying along, I began to think about mothers who do this kind of thing every day. Now, I do believe that your every day life to you than it would be to someone who doesn’t do what you do every day, but still. And then, I started thinking about my own Mama. She began her motherhood adventure in 1985, and has been raising children full time ever since. Eleven live births and five miscarriages later, she is one of the busiest people I know. The day I just had – she does that and more every day. Oh – and she homeschools, so she does all of that while all of her kids are home.  When asked how she does it with that many kids, she replies, “Well, they came along one at a time, so you have time to adjust before the next one comes along. It’s not like I started out with eleven kids.” Even though her life runs nonstop, she never has and I don’t believe ever will belittle what is difficult for someone else. I call her sometimes to whine about my work life, and she never laughs at me. Except for when I’m being stupid, but then I deserve it.

Well, now that I’ve divulged the info that I have ten brothers and sisters, I should probably answer the inevitable questions. Questions that I got at least a million times growing up:

1) Where are you in the line up? I’m number one.

2) So, that means you helped a lot? I guess so. We all helped a lot. That’s what you do when you’re part of a large family.

3) Are you all full siblings? Yup.

4) Any multiple births? Nope. All singles. Amazing, really. I did the math once – my mother was pregnant for a grand total of nearly 13 years.

5) How many girls and boys? Three girls, eight boys.

6) EIGHT boys? Yes. Eight boys. And yes, I love having that many brothers. And yes, they are annoying sometimes, but isn’t everyone??

7) How old is the youngest? The youngest is seven years old.

8) Catholic or Mormon? Neither.

9) Are your parents done having kids? The number of people who really ask me this question is somewhat astounding. They don’t ask the people with two kids if they’re done… But, yes, they are done.

10) Do you want that many kids? Sarcastic answer that I really want to actually give someday: Well, my mother got married when she was eighteen years old and gave birth for the first time when she was nineteen years old, and had eleven live births and five miscarriages over a period of twenty-four years. I’m almost thirty, single, and definitely not pregnant. Female fertility rates drop significantly at age forty-three. You do the math. It’s a fun word problem. Completely honest, less sarcastic answer: I’d admire my mother for her choice to raise that many children, but no, I don’t plan to have that many, even if I had enough time before I’m too old.

Bottom line: I’m thankful for my mother, and I’m thankful for all that she did and continues to do in her chosen stay-at-home mom way of life.

Stay tune tomorrow for a post reflecting over 2014 and welcoming 2015.

Contentment

“…I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.” – Philippians 4:11-12

Do you ever wonder what contentment in all circumstances is supposed to look like?  Me too. Is contentment supposed to cancel out or diminish desire? Contentment is a difficult thing for all of us, I think. It’s something I’ve been reaching for with more and more difficulty lately. What is that one thing with which you struggle to be content? For me, it’s singleness. I’ll probably talk about that more than anything in this post because that’s my personal struggle, but I’ll try not to get stuck there – because contentment can come no matter your particular brand of discontent.

Let’s start with what discontentment looks like. Sometimes, descriptions of the opposite give us a better handle on the thing for which we’re striving. Often, the thing we desire isn’t bad: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22. I think that probably applies to both women and men and husbands and wives. God chose not to leave the first man alone, but fashioned a wife for him, saying, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” – Genesis 2:18.

In part, discontentment is a perversion of desire. Think about this: if the thing I desire is good – how can discontentment with my current state be bad?  I’m pretty sure the answer lies with my focus.  God says in Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If I delight myself in the Lord, my desires align with His. I can trust that He will choose what is best for me, and can relax in the knowing that He sees a bigger picture than I do. The Hebrew writer tells us, “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross…” – Hebrews 12:1-2. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Jesus endured horrible things – because He knew about the coming joy. So do we. God has promised joy for those who serve him. No matter my present circumstance, fixing my gaze on Jesus and the joy He promises at the end will give the strength for endurance.

Ok, so if discontentment is a perversion of desire for a good thing, and if the way to overcome that is to focus on the Lord, what does that look like?? I like practical help. And when the pain of loneliness is so crushingly strong that it feels as if my heart would burst right out of its home in my chest (because no matter your particular brand of desire – sometimes it’s just that strong), I have difficulty figuring out how to snap my focus back to where it belongs. For me, distraction is often crucial. Many of the things I’ll list below are distraction in disguise.

Phone a friend. Ask him/her about his/her day. Tell them a funny story. Let them in on your struggle and ask them to pray for you, and then tell them you need them to help distract you from the Monster Discontent that threatens your sanity. See if they’re free to go out or for you to visit for a few minutes.

Watch a movie. Single ladies – Hallmark movies and movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels don’t work here. As tempting as it is to wallow in your discontentment, if you’re choosing this mode of distraction, choose something with more depth and less gush.

Sing hymns. Even if you’re alone. The power of words of praise set to music astounds me. Sing the same hymn over and over if it’s the only one that comes to mind. Or sing several of them in a row. Singing hymns of praise often helps me to shift my focus to the glory and greatness of God and away from myself.

Clean. Yep. This one works for me too – especially if there’s some form of music in the background.

Make a meal and take it to someone. This requires time, but it gives you an opportunity to serve, and if you’re lucky, the recipient will invite you to share it with them.

Pray. Do pray for strength to overcome your discontentment. Don’t get stuck on that prayer. I’ve often been impressed with King David and the prayers he prayed recorded for us in the Psalms. Many of the lamentation style psalms end in praise. David gives his hurt to God with brutal honesty, and allows prayer to change him, to remind him of God’s greatness. Psalms 28, 31, and 69 are wonderful examples of this.

Pick a book of the Bible and read the whole thing in one sitting. This one has saved me several times, probably because it takes my focus off of myself and reminds me of the power and greatness of the God I serve.

Admit to yourself and others that you are hurting and discontent. Just do it. Don’t try to pretend that you live in that magical world of unicorns and rainbows. This life hurts sometimes. The power of confession is real, and it is freeing.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. Until next time.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas morning has arrived. In so many homes, little ones have awakened their parents with excitement, dragging them out of bed to join them in merriment beneath the magical tree. Today, I’m in my grandparents’ home, surrounded by adults, so no one did any dragging. We’ve enjoyed a quiet morning of pleasant conversation and coffee. I’m so glad I chose to come to Nebraska for Christmas. The only thing missing is my immediate family, but I know they are having fun without me (complete with being dragged out of bed by the young ones).

Yesterday, we took a visit to the Durham museum in Omaha, which used to be a bustling train station, and where the largest Christmas tree in the city resides each year.  My mother and grandparents took me to the museum many times as a child, but I haven’t been there in years. As I walked through the museum yesterday, my mind’s eye saw both the bustling train station of yesteryear, and my past self wandering through the old trains. My grandfather works as a docent there now, and he is a wonderful wealth of information. I love that.

While I’m content and happy with my family today, I know there are many whose happiness today is dimmed by the loss of a loved one. If you know someone who has suffered loss, that loss is especially hard during the holidays. Be extra thoughtful. Give them an extra hug. Love them a little bit more right now. They need that. If you are someone who has suffered that loss, my extra hug goes out to you, and you are in my thoughts.

Have a happy day, everyone. Cherish those close to you. Remember that relationships are so important – more important than careers or houses or things. Hold those people just a little tighter and seek to have happier, more loving, more fulfilled relationships over the next year. Love to all!

Resurrecting the Boring Corner

How to write that resurrecting post?? I’ve been wanting to blog again. I considered creating a whole new blog, but I decided just to clean up and revamp the old one. The last time I posted here was in 2010. My world has changed so much since then. I live in a different city, and I do different things. My circle of friends has widened. I’m a graduate student now, in the biomedical sciences. I love that, but it doesn’t have much room for creative writing. Scientific writing is, well, boring. (But please, don’t tell any scientists...) My purpose in resurrecting the blog is primarily to have a creative outlet. Mostly, I’ll be posting anecdotes from life and musings over the church, God’s Word, and the Christian lifestyle. The occasional science-y tidbit might find its way here as well. Welcome, Merry Christmas, and check back soon for updates!

Mindful of Man

Before you, before me. Before there were trees. Or grass. Or spiders. Or even dust. He was. There was nothing to make a sound. Until He spoke. "Let there be light." The new thing flashed. Something new was formed. The sound of the Voice came again and again. Enormous balls of Helium and Hydrogen began giving off their light. One of them was placed just near enough the little sphere that had already begun to produce vegetation and began to supply energy to those new green plants. Rocks and mountains were there. Water was gathered together. And then the Voice moved on. Creatures were formed. Flying creatures - eagles, bluebirds, vultures. Swimming creatures - goldfish, clown fish, sharks, dolphins, giant blue whales. And then those creatures on land - lions, mice, spiders, elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, rabbits. So many beautiful, wonderful new things. And then the Voice spoke yet again. "Let us make man in Our image." And so, a new creature was made from dust - and something special was put into him. He was the Chosen Creature. For even as amazing as all of the new things were, Something Else had made them. Something, Someone Else wanted to be known by the creatures. Only one kind of creature would know Him. He could have chosen the mighty lion with his powerful body and great majesty. He could have chosen the great blue whale - the largest creature. He could have chosen the snail. But he chose to give a thinking mind to this new creature. This human would think for himself, and within him would be a longing for his Creator. He, and all human beings after him would learn to long for a relationship with Someone Else - He Who Made Them. And He Who Made Them wanted them to know Him. So much did He want them to know Him that He gave them rules to obey. And when they broke the rules, He planned a new way for them to know Him. Out of all creation, He chose to love man. He could have chosen any other creature. But He chose man. And man hurt and disobeyed Him. And He chose man still. The love of the Maker was for man. The heavens declared His glory willingly. The trees and mountains shouted that He was and is. And He was and is mindful of man. Oh that man would be mindful of Him!