To the Child I Will Never Hold

My sweet, sweet child,

You were the first. You were in my consciousness for just a few short days last year. Today is the day you were due to be born, but you left us before you even looked human. I never saw you. Your short life taught me so many lessons. When you left, you taught me about grief that comes in unpredictable waves. You taught me how to rejoice with people who had what I wanted. You taught me about the sustaining power of God. You taught me how to surrender my dearest dream and sweetest possession to the Wisdom that ordained the sun to rule the day. It was that last lesson that brought us to name you Micah – “Who is like YHWH?” You are no longer with me, but you remind me every day that I am not like YHWH. My wisdom is not supreme. Everything about you made sense to me, but YHWH knew better. Better for you. Better for my idolatrous soul. You are with the One who loves you better than I ever could.

Today, there is tension in my mind. I wanted you. I want you still. I still mourn your loss and dream of what might have been. Today, there is another baby growing inside me – your little brother or sister. I love and want this baby just as much as I loved and wanted you. I revel in its growing life and dream of what will come. You cannot both be here. Your earthly lives are mutually exclusive. And yet, you are both part of me. You are both so near to my heart. Today, I wish I were meeting you and the sorrow spills over into tears. Today, I rejoice in the growing child in my womb and the joy spills over into tears. I wonder how I can feel both emotions so strongly. How can I feel sorrow for loss and joy for gain, when it seems that one emotion should cancel out the other? I think it is love that makes these tensions possible. Love is capable of wishing you were here and of embracing the new life that is growing in the womb you left behind. You are both my children. I love you both.

I am a mother because of you, Micah. I miss you. I so looked forward to meeting you and watching you grow up. Thank you for teaching me important lessons. Someday, I hope that we’ll meet one another in heaven.

All my love,

Mother