My sweet, sweet
child,
You were the
first. You were in my consciousness for just a few short days last year. Today
is the day you were due to be born, but you left us before you even looked
human. I never saw you. Your short life taught me so many lessons. When you
left, you taught me about grief that comes in unpredictable waves. You taught
me how to rejoice with people who had what I wanted. You taught me about the
sustaining power of God. You taught me how to surrender my dearest dream and sweetest
possession to the Wisdom that ordained the sun to rule the day. It was that
last lesson that brought us to name you Micah – “Who is like YHWH?” You are no
longer with me, but you remind me every day that I am not like YHWH. My wisdom
is not supreme. Everything about you made sense to me, but YHWH knew better.
Better for you. Better for my idolatrous soul. You are with the One who loves
you better than I ever could.
Today, there is
tension in my mind. I wanted you. I
want you still. I still mourn your
loss and dream of what might have been. Today, there is another baby growing
inside me – your little brother or sister. I love and want this baby just as much as I loved and wanted you. I revel in its growing life and dream of what will come. You
cannot both be here. Your earthly lives are mutually exclusive. And yet, you
are both part of me. You are both so near to my heart. Today, I wish I were
meeting you and the sorrow spills over into tears. Today, I rejoice in the
growing child in my womb and the joy spills over into tears. I wonder how I can
feel both emotions so strongly. How can I feel sorrow for loss and joy for gain,
when it seems that one emotion should cancel out the other? I think it is love
that makes these tensions possible. Love is capable of wishing you were here
and of embracing the new life that is growing in the womb you left behind. You
are both my children. I love you
both.
I am a mother
because of you, Micah. I miss you. I so looked forward to meeting you and
watching you grow up. Thank you for teaching me important lessons. Someday, I
hope that we’ll meet one another in heaven.
All my love,
Mother
