It’s
been a while, and my writing’s a little rusty. With the exception of a few
letters and several exams, I haven’t written anything longer than a Facebook
status since the summer. I suppose I was a little burnt out, and the
inspiration just wasn’t coming. I think it’s a good time to get back into it
now, though. The ideas are percolating, and it’s time for a creative (or
whatever you call this) outlet.
Jim
and I have been married now for almost fourteen months. I blogged about the
earliest days of marriage about this time last year. I’ve learned a lot of
lessons since then. An embarrassing
number of lessons, really. And, since I appreciate transparency in others, I’m
going to let you in on some of them.
I
didn’t actually outgrow petulance.
Petulance.
That tendency to be childish, to sulk, to have a bad attitude. It had been years
since I had raised my voice. Occasionally, my mother would call and bear the brunt
of my frustration. Overall, however, I really thought that I had outgrown the
frustrating habit of being petty and unreasonable. Then I got married. And I
found to my horror that it was all still there. The tendency to brood. To
argue. To cry. Just a few weeks ago, I was reading Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage. In it, he quotes an
essay written by Katherine Anne Porter.
This very contemporary young woman finds
herself facing the oldest and ugliest dilemma of marriage. She is dismayed,
horrified, full of guilt and forebodings because she is finding out little by
little that she is capable of hating her husband, whom she loves faithfully.
She can hate him at times as fiercely and mysteriously, indeed in terribly much
the same way, as often she hated her parents, her brothers and sisters, whom
she loves, when she was a child…
She thought she had outgrown all this,
but here it was again, an element in her own nature she could not control, or
feared she could not. She would have to hide from her husband, if she could,
the same spot in her feelings she had hidden from her parents, and for the same
no doubt disreputable, selfish reason: She wants to keep his love.
Above all, she wants him to be
absolutely confident that she loves him, for that is the real truth, no matter
how unreasonable it sounds, and no matter how her own feelings betray them both
at times. She depends recklessly on his love.
I
cringed and sighed as I read it. Was this
a 1940’s prophecy about me?? I am quite sure that many newly married women
discover the same thing. Isn’t it
frustrating?? I’d like to tell you I’m making progress in this area, and
perhaps I am. Painstakingly slow progress. Petulance isn’t easily outgrown. It
must be recognized, wept over, and painfully, slowly rooted out. The roots are
deep, but God’s grace is deeper.
I
learned to give myself some grace.
When
I married, it was with some idealistic notion that I would magically be an
exemplary wife. Don’t laugh. At least, not without letting me laugh with you.
At the time, I was a graduate student writing a dissertation. A book. About an
incredibly detailed bit of science. That I still need to have bound. But, I
digress. Not only was I a busy graduate student, I was a new wife. I was
learning how to share a bed and a living space and a car. I was working under
the fallacious assumption that, in order to be a good wife, I had to do everything. Bacon and eggs for
breakfast? I’m on it. Laundry? That’s mine too. House cleaning? Yes. I’ll do
that too. Dinner? I’ll take care of that, too. I’ll pack lunches, cook meals,
iron pants, make the bed, write this book, and at the end of the day, I’ll be
fresh and happy for intimacy. That didn’t work. So, after a ridiculous amount
of time I admitted a need for some grace. I swallowed my pride and asked my
husband to help by washing the laundry, paying the bills, and taking out the
trash. I agreed to serve cereal for breakfast. Yes, sugary, horrible, bad-for-you
cereal – because that’s what I can do right now. I simplified lunch. One of
these days, I’ll work back to some of those other things. For now, giving
myself the grace to be in a learning and growing phase is working well.
I
am learning to push myself to grow.
Giving
myself grace shouldn’t mean excusing sinful patterns and behaviors. It shouldn’t
mean stagnation. In matters of housekeeping, I’m learning to identify my
weaknesses and to address them. Sometimes, the house is messy because the week
was incredibly busy and other obligations took higher priority. Other times,
the house is messy because I’m lazy. Identifying which is true takes an
incredible amount of emotional honesty, but I find that it is crucial for real
growth.
Because
I have allowed myself to make dinner the one meal into which I put time and
energy, I have expanded my horizons. I have discovered more frugal, nutritious,
tasty meals. We’re not stuck with spaghetti three times a week, with a side of
tears of guilt. The growth here will, I hope, allow me to expand my growing to
our other meals and to other things.
In
deeper matters – matters of relationship – the growth is so very slow. I have
discovered a tendency toward bitterness, toward a need to be right, toward “score-keeping”.
I find that directed prayer helps when I remember to do so. In 2017, I am
making fervency, consistency, and depth in prayer a priority. I am looking for
creative ways to stop myself when the frustration, hurt feelings, or anger
flares. There is a lot to do here, but as I continually put on Christ I am
confident that there will be less room for these sins.
I
am learning to hate sin.
I
considered lumping this lesson with growth, but it deserves a category all its
own. I learned a lot about myself during my years as a single woman. I learned
to fight sin in loneliness, sin in discontent, sin in many ways. However, I find
that marriage provides an additional vision of the destructiveness of sin. It
is easy to ignore the self-destruction perpetrated by sin. It is impossible to
ignore the hurt bewilderment in my husband’s eyes when I sin against him in
anger. My sin no longer affects only me, and because of that I can see more
clearly its horribleness. I hate it. One of my prayers in 2017 is that God will
instill in me a proper hatred of sin. William Wilberforce penned these words in
his journal soon after becoming convinced of the truths of Christianity:
My heart is so hard, my blindness so
great, that I cannot get a due hatred of sin, though I see that I am all
corrupt and blinded to the perception of spiritual things.
Chilling,
isn’t it? It resonates in my consciousness. I see my own corruption, and yet I
must still acquire a “due hatred of sin”. Understanding and hating the sin in
my own heart is a crucial key in conquering it.
The person who understands the evil in
his own heart is the only person who is useful, fruitful, and solid in his
beliefs and obedience. -- John Owen
I
am learning to give grace to others.
Finally,
marriage is so incredibly humbling. Sins that I thought were behind me have
re-surfaced. I struggle, and the struggle reminds me that others are also
burdened. In Sacred Marriage, Gary
Thomas quotes William Law:
No one has of the Spirit of Christ but
he that has the utmost compassion for sinners. Nor is there any greater sign of
your own perfection than you find yourself all love and compassion toward them
that are weak and defective. And on the other hand, you have never less reason
to be pleased with yourself than when you find yourself most angry and offended
at the behavior of others. All sin is certainly to be hated and abhorred where
it is, but then we must set ourselves against sin as we do against sickness and
diseases, by showing ourselves tender and compassionate to the sick and
diseased.
The
more I recognize my own sin, the more I find compassion where frustration and
disappointment used to be. Specifically, I am learning to give grace to my
husband. He is beset with a sinful nature, just as I am. He has many
responsibilities pulling his attention, as do I. And so, I have learned the
truth of these statements by Gary Thomas, again in Sacred Marriage:
We’re not married in a carefree Garden
of Eden. We’re married in the midst of many responsibilities that compete for
our energy.
Take time to do an inventory of your
spouse’s difficulties rather than of your spouse’s shortcomings.
Contempt is conceived with expectations.
Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we
will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a
birth – and the child will be named either contempt, or respect.
Husbands, you are married to a fallen
woman in a broken world. Wives, you are married to a sinful man in a sinful
world. It is guaranteed that your spouse will sin against you, disappoint you,
and have physical limitations that will frustrate and sadden you. He may come
home with the best of intentions and still lose his temper. She may have all of
the desire but none of the energy.
We
live in a broken world. Sin burdens us all. Marriage allows us to see the
effects of those sins so very closely. Compassion and patience are required.
And
that, folks, is the end of my writing abilities for tonight. More ideas are
brewing though, so check back soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment